Chuck
Chuck is the devil. This isn’t a metaphor. He is the actual,
factual, lord of all sin. It should then be no surprise that Chuck works in
sales. Sales of what you ask? Nothing in particular. Just Sales. Chuck sells
boats and bombs, boats with bombs, and bombs with boats. The latter is a kind
of weapon for assassination and the former is an assassination by a weapon, and
they really have no association. That is to say outside of the boat bomb assassination
by a bombed boat association. Luckily no such association exists. At least as
far as we know.
Now where were we? Right, the devil known as Chuck who works in Sales. So, one may ask what brought the mighty and dastardly Lucifer to the Sales department. Well, there are three simple reasons. (1) Sin exists everywhere, (2) money is the root of all evil, and (3) people are always buying things. The sin enables the Devil Chuck to be anywhere he wants, and he wants to be where the root of all evil is, and that can always be found in sales. Simple enough.
Now where were we? Right, the devil known as Chuck who works in Sales. So, one may ask what brought the mighty and dastardly Lucifer to the Sales department. Well, there are three simple reasons. (1) Sin exists everywhere, (2) money is the root of all evil, and (3) people are always buying things. The sin enables the Devil Chuck to be anywhere he wants, and he wants to be where the root of all evil is, and that can always be found in sales. Simple enough.
I am sure the next question is how does Chuck make a sale?
Does he use a demonic sex appeal? Does he charm unwitting buyers into that
super extra jumbo ultra HD television? No wait, he must offer them deals that
are too good to be true, but it comes with the catch of selling your soul away,
or a variable rate that will rocket straight up after the first month. All good
guesses, but wrong. Chuck the Devil Chuck uses the evilest, most foul, most
horrendous…well here he is just walking through the door. Let’s see what Chuck does
to ensnare his would be marks shall we?
“Hello, my name is Chuck. I have one question to ask. Would you like to continue reading?”
“Hello, my name is Chuck. I have one question to ask. Would you like to continue reading?”
Oh no... I do want to continue reading. I'm doomed! ...or should that be damned?
ReplyDeleteLove the word play; first paragraph is amazingly tongue twistery: boats, bombs; assassination, association... feels a little bit like a slightly schizzo Dr. Seuss book :)
One thing, don't know if it's something you'll find important, but it's a bit of a pet peeve of mine. In the second paragraph, you're #2 "money is the root of all evil" is actually a misquote. Most people don't know, but the text reads "the love of money is the root of all evil" ...the Bible never condemns money itself.
Two typos: First sentence, I'm guessing you meant "lord OF all sin" not "lord OR all sin." And the sentence before Chuck speaks has the words GET and ENSNARE together... only need one of them.
Fun flash fiction! If I had my own magazine, I'd publish this. Keep up the writing!
I appreciate the read and the proofing! It is impossible to catch all the errors yourself when writing, which is why being an editor is a thing haha. As far as the miquote, I wasn't trying to quote the bible, I was just using a popular phrase, which I understand evolved from misquoting the bible, but I still like it the way it is. I do appreciate the critique though. I know it is a little gimmicky, but I tried to keep the second person point of view through most of it so I think it works well.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, it definitely works. It is the phrase most people know. Like I said, misquoting is just a pet peeve of mine. It even irks me when people quote the line "Luke, I am your father" ...in the movie Darth Vader actually says "No, I am your father." It's just one of those things I can't help pointing out.
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